I realize that you all have a Y chromosome in there somewhere and therefore do not and will not ever know what it is like to be a Mother. That being said, I decided to create a quick, easy, no-fail itinerary for the day commonly known as Mother’s Day. All I’m asking for is a full 24 hours a year (OK, maybe 48 hours as this list can also apply to my Birthday) of the following:
I would like to begin my day by sleeping in. Please do not ask me until what time, I just want to sleep in until my body naturally wakes up (knowing my luck, this will be at about 6 a.m., but we can’t win ‘em all). I want no one to wake me up, not even the cat, unless there is some sort of emergency like the house is burning down. If that is the case, I get a raincheck for the entire day.
Once I am awake, I would like to be served a healthy, delectable meal. Husband, this is all you. You already know that my favorite is Eggs Florentine and I’m fairly certain you can come up with a few delicious sides that do not constitute as “kid-friendly food”. During this meal, I would like complete peace. No fighting, no whining, just food and pleasantries. I will not get up for anyone else, so don’t ask. I also do not want any little fingers grabbing any of my food.
From there, I would like to take a nice, hot shower…alone! This means no interruptions. No one barging in (the bathroom or the shower), no one coming in to use the toilet (there is more than one in the house) and certainly no one asking me to wipe their butt. I am exempt from potty duty…got it!?
I will then get dressed in an all white and/or pastel outfit (I haven’t decided yet) made out of some insanely expensive fabric, not because I want to or like to, but because I can. You see, you are all forbidden from touching me with your sticky, dirty, greasy little fingers. This also includes my face, which for some reason the little hands in our house feel the need to touch all…of…the…time!
For the next several hours you are permitted to just be you…as long as you are cleaning the house, keeping the house clean and checking items off of my to-do/honey-do list(s). I will be out. It doesn’t matter where. Do not call me…unless there is a REAL emergency.
Eventually, I will return to my spotless home. I will proceed to change out of my fancy outfit (that I have probably managed to spill something stain-y on anyway) and take a nice, hot bath (sans interruptions). I will then put on pajamas, AKA comfy clothes and willingly accept any and all forms of affections (no, I take that back…I still don’t want your hands in my face). Smooches and snuggles, love and adoration, maybe even a few thanks you. Homemade gifts are also acceptable.
After the little boys go to bed (without any complaints) I would like to be served a nice glass of red wine and a few delectable pieces of chocolate. We will then binge watch chick flicks (no snoring allowed!) until it is time to go upstairs to read. Yes, I said read.
That is it. That is all. Easy Peasy. Think you can handle it?! If not, just send me to a hotel!