Scene: Tuesday morning at 1:00 am a mother is sleeping soundly when a baby decides it’s time to eat. Mother wakes to the sound of rustling and whining, stumbles to the crib and calms the hungry baby. Husband continues to sleep soundly. Mother puts her baby down several moments later feeling pleased that her child was back to sleep so quickly. She snuggles back into bed looking forward to a couple more blissful hours of sleep.
Narrator: The mother would soon realize that Tuesday would be a shitty day.
(Extra points if you’re reading the Narrator in Morgan Freeman’s voice. If you weren’t, you probably are now.)
Scene: Tuesday morning at 2:00am. Sleeping baby is awake again and crying this time. Mother jumps from bed to soothe the baby.
Narrator: The mother should have started coffee now, but she remained hopeful that the baby would sleep until a decent effing time of day to wake up…
The time was 4:00 am on Tuesday. The Narrator was right; Tuesday would be a shitty day indeed. The baby was fussy for reasons unknown so at 4:30am, after getting up for the 625thtime and stubbing a toe on the crib, I put her in bed with me (Gasp! Yes, I put the baby in bed with me!) in hopes of getting at least a few more minutes of sleep that never came. Sigh. I started the coffee pot and went off to change a diaper, which ended with pee all over the changing table, all over the baby and, somehow, all over me. Sigh again.
I spent most of the day stuck under a fussy baby who just wanted to be held; the poor thing! One of the few times I was able to get up and head to the bathroom (after a quick pit stop to stare into an empty fridge hoping food had magically appeared-it had not) I almost stepped in dog poop. Yes, the dog pooped in the house. I wondered why he was hiding under my bed. Sigh. Where’s the carpet cleaner?
I was starting to feel like I was in a live version of that Shania Twain song, “Honey, I’m Home” except for that I’m home all day…Or maybe I was Alexander incarnate and this was my Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Or worse yet, I was making a guest appearance in the Cathy comic strip-cue the chocolate and self-deprecating commentary.
Not long after discovering the treat left by the dog, the baby had a massive blowout followed by several rounds of spit up and four outfit changes (I guess it’s good that she’ll wear everything at least once before she grows out of it, right?). Fortunately, she was feeling much better now and finally settled down for a good nap. Unfortunately, that’s when the mailman decided to drop off a package at the front door causing my dog to go on a mad dash barking through the entire house waking the baby and also alerting the neighbors that we got something other than a bill in the mail. Sigh.
Narrator: It was late afternoon on this shittiest of Tuesdays and the Mother was hungry, tired and wondering if it would be rude to drink the last beer in the fridge…She did not, but she thought of alcohol fondly for the rest of the day.
By this time I still hadn’t managed to eat an actual meal, brush my teeth, shower, or even put on a bra and I was wearing a shirt that had too many bodily fluids on it that didn’t belong to me. That’s when my husband walked through the door…
Narrator: The husband also had a shitty Tuesday.
Scene: Husband and wife stare into an empty fridge with tired eyes and slumped shoulders. Both sigh.
Tuesday ended with pizza delivery, a shared beer and butts on the couch. The day had been a game of dominoes with one small disaster following another…and another…and another. But if Shania, Alexander and Cathy have taught us anything it’s that despite gum in the hair, lima bean dinners, broken heels and crippling chocolate addictions we all get to start over again tomorrow!
Here’s to Wednesday!