HolidayCandy…Ugh

Damn Easter Bunny! Seriously, this cute fluffy thing comes around once a year, deposits calories all over our house and then hops away all innocently, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Of course, he tries to be good and bring the kids non-food items like sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and even fancy spinny toothbrushes!! But the candy always wins.

Sadly, he gets caught up in consumerism and ends up buying all kinds of individually wrapped treats and goodies. Peeps on a stick? Why not! Cadbury Eggs? they’re a must! And don’t get me started on the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs! What?! They are the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter. Even my insanely fit friend, who happens to be a mother of four, admitted to buying a six pack, devouring one too many and having to buy another pack for her kids!

But then…then he remembers that he needs to fill a few plastic eggs for posterity sake and purchases bags and bags of candy in order to have a variety. Filling only two or three eggs per kid and leaving the crinkly plastic satchel full of goods for Mom and Dad to eat. Mostly Dad.

Of course, that candy can’t lay around the house before Easter. That would take the thrill out of Easter morning. And it can’t magically appear after Easter. Why would we have the same Easter candy as the bunny?? So it gets hidden.

Unfortunately, “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for grown-ups like it does for our children. There’s a reason we don’t buy candy on a regular basis. When it’s around, it gets inhaled…just call us the “Hoovers!”

As soon as the kids are in bed we break out the goods. First, it’s the Starburst Jelly Beans. I mean, seriously, who invented these things?! I can pass up ordinary jelly beans any day, but these things…these things are like crack. And then there’s the chocolate…Hershey Kisses, or those Cadbury Mini Eggs with the crispy outer shell. Who can resist??

Needless to say, by the time Easter rolls around, Mom’s pretty Spring frock no longer fits, Dad’s waistband has grown a size and it’s probably time for both of them to check in with the dentist.

I could almost excuse this behavior if it truly happened once a year, but Nooooooo!!! This craziness occurs all summer long when kids bring home bagfuls of candy from Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day parades.

Shortly after Summer comes to an end, it’s time for Halloween. It is currently April and we still have a stash of Halloween candy. Of course, at this point, it’s all the gross stuff like those black and orange wrapped peanut butter taffy kiss things or white candy corn chocolate (by the way, white chocolate is NOT chocolate!) BLECH!! Anyhow, it’s still around and probably will be until next October when it either gets bugs or I get tired of looking at it. Whichever comes first.

Thankfully, Thanksgiving goes easy on the candy conundrum, but is full of other tasty treats like pies! Oh, the pies!!

Then there’s the Big Jolly Guy. There’s a reason Santa Claus is so fat…and it’s not because he’s trying to stay warm up at the North Pole. New Year’s resolutions are a joke, because right around the corner is Valentine’s Day. Then there’s St. Patrick’s Day which is just an excuse for the over twenty-one crowd (i.e. Dad and Mom) to indulge.

Soon enough, we’re right back at Easter! The vicious cycle continues. Each year we convince ourselves that we will eat less candy next year. However, our kids will only be little for a short amount of time. Eventually, our duties will come to an end and our pants sizes will go back to where they should be (we hope). At least until we have Grandchildren.

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