My Life is Crap.

The other day after wiping butts several times, I found myself scrubbing the cat’s litter box. Suddenly, it dawned on me…my life is literally sh*t, and several other bodily fluids! Despite not even having a little one in diapers anymore, I’m constantly immersed in excrement. How did it take me this long to make this revelation?! I mean, this has been going on for years…cloth diapers, pull-ups, potty training.
Both of my children have been using the toilet for a while now, yet I feel like I’m constantly cleaning up after accidents. “Well, Mom…I peed in my pants because I didn’t want to stop playing”. Or “Oops, my bed is kind of wet because I was too comfy and didn’t want to get up to go to the bathroom”. Or “I kind of have streaks in my underwear because I had to go poop when I was on the playground and the bathroom was SO far away”.

Aim is another issue. I shouldn’t have to elaborate, but those of you with all girls may not know what I’m talking about. You see, I have been blessed with boys. They fight hard, they love hard and they NEVER pay attention when they are peeing. A very wise friend of mine, who happens to have three teenage boys at home once shared her secret for keeping her toilets, floors and walls around them clean: she has a cleaning lady JUST for her bathrooms! I haven’t succumbed to that yet, but I do think it’s a brilliant idea. I’m also ALL about them going outside on trees!

The fun doesn’t stop there. Our beloved old lady cat insists on a pristine litter box. If it’s not, she will gladly deposit her goods elsewhere. Instead of spending a million dollars on an enclosed box, I recently purchased an extra-large box (despite her being a small cat) with high sides for our unfinished basement. What did she do?! She aimed right over the edge. And since she already got pee there, why not continue to pee on the super porous concrete floor?! For the record, cat pee cannot be removed, ever, no matter what fancy spray or Google method of cleaning you use. Oh, and don’t even get me started on hairballs or regurgitated food!
But now that I mentioned it, sometimes kids throw up too (thankfully not that often). Guess who gets to clean that up too?!? Bloody knees…you betcha! The fountains of snot?…I’m your gal!  Moms deserve some sort of prize for the mass quantity of boogers that we have to deal with in a lifetime…my 3-year-old always comes in for a smooch at the exact moment when his nose is running like a faucet.

Oh, and the potty talk!! Potty talk is this weird, innate language that all children insist on using. “Poop”, “pee”, “wiener”, “fart”. Why is the word “butt” SO funny when it’s spelled with two “ts”?!? It drives my husband and I insane, but we’ve talked about it at length with other parents and it seems to be the trend in the 3-6…7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15…oh, who am I kidding?!…every age range!

Speaking of butts…I almost forgot THE most prevalent bodily function in our house…toots! Nothing gets the boys giggling more than the noises that their own bodies make. That includes armpit noises, fart noises with their mouths and burps too. I’m convinced it could be a language all on its own.

So, you see my friends, my life is literally sh*t. No matter how much sunshine and rainbows appear, for now, I am surrounded by it!

At least my husband cleans the fishbowl!

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