Bathing Suit Insanity - Kid 101

Bathing Suit Insanity


Ihaven’t spent a ton of time as an adult in bathing suits or at swimming pools.

When we lived in New York we had a few friends and relatives that had pools, but we only used them a couple of times a year and every now and then, we find ourselves in a hotel with a pool. That is about the extent of my swimming over the past fifteen years.

Times they are a changin’!

In the beginning of the summer, one of our older son’s friends invited our entire family to come swimming at their swim club. A few days later a friend of mine asked us to join her and her kiddos at her folks’ pool. Then, said older son got invited to a pool party.

It became very clear, very quickly that our boys are ready and willing to become fish. It also became very clear, very quickly that they need swimming lessons.

We weighed all of our (very expensive) options (why does everything have to cost so much?!). And ultimately joined our local YMCA (whose lessons cost another handful of cash on top of their membership fee, of course).

Now, we’re at the pool every day (I know, I know…woe is me) and I’m realizing that my swimming wardrobe leaves much to be desired.

I currently own three suits.

The first I have had since high school. I’m now thirty-six years old. You do the math. Needless to say, it is missing some stretch, mostly in the chest area. It’s also an actual swimsuit (like for swimming laps) and has no padding whatsoever, so everyone can tell when I’m cold. I feel pretty good in it other than that, but I really don’t want to terrify anyone with any part of my chest.

The second suit is a two piece. I pretty sure I’ve had this one since high school as well. The bottom fits well, the top not so much. Again, I would be risking indecent exposure. What can I say, two extended nurslings have left me with much bigger boobs, not to mention a midsection that is covered in shiny stretch marks. The only real reason I keep this suit around is so that I can wear it under clothes when we go to amusement parks because it dries quickly and I’m able to pee without having to take the rest of my clothes off.

Last, but certainly not least is my “mom suit” that I bought five years ago whose description is “tummy slimmer solid one-piece swimsuit”. It’s black and boring, but I feel pretty good in it.

I would describe myself as average. Average height, average weight. At the pool there are women who are smaller than me and others who are larger. I’ve been eyeballing their suits for about a week. None of these women had super model bodies, yet they all looked great in their suits.

I decided that I need to up my game. It’s time for me to acquire one or two more suits and maybe even retire one or two. Did I mention that we’re going on vacation in a week and there will be a beach and a pool? Yeah, that too.

So, my Mom and I decided to venture out last night. She’s usually the perfect shopping partner because she will give me the honest truth…if it looks bad, she’ll tell me. And she’ll encourage me to invest when something looks good, even though I’m REALLY cheap!

We began our journey at a department store that sells a certain online brand. Many of my mom friends have recommended this brand, but I wasn’t sure what size I should order so I decided that it would be best if I just tried them on. Well, it’s already July so they didn’t have all of the sizes and styles that I was hoping to find. It also became quite evident that my post-childbirth boobs, although I feel are quite average, are much bigger than I think. I mean, how do actual large chested women find bathing suits that fit?!?!

I left the store with a slightly better idea about sizes, but still empty-handed. We proceeded to go to four or five more stores where I tried on four or five hundred more suits. Too big, too small, just right (but exactly like the black suit that I already own).

I was about as out of luck as Goldilocks when the bears show up! Five hours later and no suit to show for it.

So I came home and got online to see what the original brand had available on their website. I “chatted” with a customer service specialist to make sure I fully understood their return policy and then ordered $743.23 worth of bathing suits that may or may not arrive in time for our vacation.

I’m hoping that I will get one or two suits out of the deal and then return the rest.

Wish me luck.


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